- Problem: Your child doesn’t care about consequences.
Before you begin do the following:
Observe your child. Be as specific as possible when naming the problem.
Take notes. Write down the problem. List everything that you try and the results of your effort.
- Desired Outcome: Your child will understand an acceptable way to deal with strong emotion and solve problems.
- Possible Actions: Read the possible actions below. Decide which ones would be most effective to use with your child. Focus on the outcome behavior.
*Teach your child cause and effect! Be ready to give your child consequences by preparing ahead of time. Together, before you find yourself in a situation to give consequences for your child’s behavior, sit down and make a list of consequences for your child’s behavior. You know your child and which consequences would be the most meaningful. Age-appropriate consequences with a message or lesson about acceptable behavior can be very effective. Things such as cell phone usage, favorite tv program, etc. can be used as leverage.
Apologizing for mistakes:
*If he/she has done something which requires an apology, require your child to write an apology note or apologize in person. Make sure that your child’s consequences have meaning.
*Give consequences when you are calm. Wait, if possible so that parents can discuss your child’s consequences using your prepared list of consequences. Parental discussions will keep you both on the same page and help you to monitor your child’s progress. Your list might provide you with other meaningful consequences.
More about Consequences:
*When giving consequences keep your conversations on point. Long drawn-out speeches can cause your child to ‘tune out’. Try to keep centered when giving consequences and not show disgust etc. Don’t take your child’s mistakes personally, your child is still learning and growing.
*When giving consequences tell your child why your child has ‘earned’ the consequence, what will happen and how long, and what will happen if your child repeats the behavior. Don’t take away unrelated important events. Keep the consequences meaningful, connected and age-appropriate. Example of an unacceptable behavior problem: Your child is talking back to you and being disrespectful.
What can you say when your child is being disrespectful?
You can say something like this: “In our family we speak nicely to each other and we don’t disrespect each other. If you can’t do that, then you can’t use your phone for two days. We will return your phone to you on …. If you talk back or are disrespectful to us again, this is what will happen from now on. Now I want you to think about what you have done and how you will handle this situation in the future.” Don’t end here with just giving the consequences! Follow up with the next step!
Opportunities:
*Take advantage of this opportunity! This is an excellent opportunity to help your child learn how to solve problems! Have a problem-solving conversation with your child after the incident and when things are going well. You might say something like the following: “You seemed very upset the other day when you talked back and disrespected me. If you feel that way again, what can you do differently? If your child needs help with ideas you could prompt by saying, “Instead of talking back, how about taking a deep breath and then talking to me. You can always come to us to talk about anything or any questions that you have.
What else could you do?”
*Hold your child accountable. It often takes more than one time to help your child make changes. Keep holding your child accountable, and don’t give up. Holding your child accountable is the best way to help your child make changes. How many times will your child need the lessons? That can vary from child to child, so try not to compare your children. It’s important to your child that you keep up the effort!
* Talk with your child and your family about the desired outcome. Make your desired
outcome specific for your child. Write down the goal / desired outcome. Post the outcome where it can be easily seen.
Remember: If you don’t think ahead, your family won’t move forward.
- Follow-up along the way:
Periodically review and reflect on your child’s progress. What is working? What is not working? Adjust your actions accordingly to meet the needs of your child. It’s important to recognize the attainment of a successful goal completed, however you will notice small achievements along the way. Recognize these smaller successes. It will encourage your child to keep trying and let your child know that he/she is on the right path. It will also motivate your child and make him/her more receptive when new goals are introduced.
- Follow Up: What to do after you try your selected actions:
If your actions were successful, keep using them. However, continue to monitor your child. You can use these actions as preventative measures if your child has a setback.
If your child is unsuccessful, seek help from school your family doctor etc. Take your notes with you. Let those helping you know what you have tried and the results of your efforts. This record can go a long way to getting your child the help that he/she deserves.
For additional information about following rules and expectation problems and solutions, go here.polog